And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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