he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
this just has baby written all over it
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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