If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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