It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
