my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
