kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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