How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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