matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My pussy is not your playground.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
