I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
