Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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