yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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