The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize