someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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