11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
