Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
