i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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