She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
