Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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