have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
