The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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