I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
