I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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