I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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