so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Every concussion has its silver lining
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
