Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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