my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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