Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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