mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
