bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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