Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
