Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
