i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
