I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
