Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
