i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I look better un-naked...
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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