I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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