I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
