Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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