He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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