Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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