I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
