Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
