I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
