I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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