Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
