I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
