you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
