mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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