Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
