so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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