just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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