I met the friendliest cop last night
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
