Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
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