the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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