Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
