Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
