ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Do vagina's smell?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
