my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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