His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
