I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
