i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So many bounce houses so little time
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
