dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
