soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
